060626 – my neighbours

we are five in this department. and these are my four neighbours:]

Filed under: dzīve / life, foto / photo , leikēmija / leukemia

060922 – various

The good news – there is no illness in my bone marrow.
The bad – I still have not changed the blood group that means my body has not accepted sister’s blood information completely – that is one of the key factors to avoid repetition of the illness in the future. This may happen in the next couple of weeks too, though it would have been better if it had happened.
So again – same old story – wait.

Touchpad of the laptop I use has gone bad, so from now on I can use only external mice� and I kind of am afraid being without my electronical friend for a week, that might take to repair the touchpad.

And a bit of boasting� today a new photo camera canon eos 350 was acquired for 5800 RMB in china and is on it’s way to me, so round October 16 I will be able to document walls in my room and the view out of my window much more professionally. What an opportunity:|

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060920 – vai tu zini labu muziku?

Visticam�k jau ka ne, jo ej uz darbu un nerub� fi�ku, ka lab� m�zika ir sastopama raid�jum� TVAIX plkst 11.15. gan jau, ka ir ar� atk�rtojumi.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060919 – after and before

This one will be about pain. And maybe about something pleasant, such as tomato sauce or other crap.

A short discourse about my “trip” and thoughts after that.
On Monday morning, of course I was sleepy as always and my blood was collected round 7 o’clock. There are nurses who can do it without almost any pain, and some who have talent to make it one of the most miserable moments of my day.

Already on Thursday I knew that Monday morning will be the time when my bone marrow sample will be collected.

And it happened right here in my bed where I’ve spent already 40 days or so.

It was painful, more or less on a same level as usually, except that doctor, out of strange reasons decided to insert the needle twice in a freshly made hole in my bone. That was an unpleasant surprise.

After, I realized something that most probably most people realize earlier in their lives (I’ve been happy to be out of reach of the damn pain stuff before).

There is a certain level of pain, after which at least I and pain remain the only existing elements in the whole universe. No support of family, no knowledge that someone cares for you or whatever logical or emotional reasoning exists. There is just me and the f@#$%# pain. Pretty sad in general. And motivating to become a Buddha.

And as most of the people also, lately I have not experienced moments of pain that sometimes are depicted in popular movies or literature – at moments of great pain there is someone close, who holds your hand and it somehow helps to get over that damn pain. Frankly saying, I don’t believe that it would help at the moment of pain, but maybe would somehow make the situation after you have screamed or cried a bit more bearable and enjoyable. Evidently its more fun if you’re together with people you like, so that could be another such case when you can hang out with fun people.

And it did not surprise me almost at all, when today I asked my doctor what about the results of the bone marrow test (she told yesterday, that it will take a day to get the results), she replied, that there will be good news and bad news, but she will tell all that stuff only on Friday, when complete set of results will be received. And what should I do? Sit and wait as usually.

And I need a carpenter. Anybody knows a good one? I need 2 tables and a bed.

And nothing else matters. Today.

There were bells on a hill
But I never heard them ringing
No, I never heard them at all
Till there was you

There were birds in the sky
But I never saw them winging
No, I never saw them at all
Till there was you

Then there was music and wonderful roses
They tell me in sweet fragrant meadows
Of dawn and dew

There was love all around
But I never heard it singing
No I never heard it at all
Till there was you

/ROD STEWART/

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060914 – best day ever

Best Day Ever: 73

that’s what said on the stats page of my blog.
and apparently its august 21, 2006.

damn, somehow missed the fact. if i would have known, at least would have tried to memorize what happened then.

please, please – make another best day ever sometime in the future:|

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060914 – whatever

As if I don’t have what to do. That’s not true. I can do an immense amount of activities, that would maybe change something. But somehow I prefer a very limited set of things that are included in my daily schedule.
If I could, I think I would prefer to be asleep for the most of the day, but somehow I manage to sleep too little, I think. Wonder why.
As a matter of fact, this is supposed to be a merely informative piece of text.
For the last week, doctors have been telling that everyday (more or less when I have asked) my blood situation is getting better, more of the stuff that is supposed a sign of recovery, less of the stuff that describe damage to the kidneys of existence of some kind of infections in my body. Still I receive all kind of drugs 24 hours a day, and I feel that the infusion system will become a part of me at one moment. I hope I will be out of here by then.
This could be also a very awkward advertisement – I will need a car after approximately 2 months if I get out of the hospital. So if you know anybody who is willing to sell a car, please let me know.
About future – on Monday doctor plans to take a bone marrow sample and then it will be more or less clear, if the whole project has been successful or I’m a failure.
So – waiting time.
During last 3 days I’ve managed to read my first book here – Kurt Vonnegut “Galapagos”. I would not recommend to anyone except ones with limited freedom of movement.
Next to come, and hopefully a more exciting one – Samuel Shem “Mount misery”.
And just don’t ask why such a choice – they came to me, I did not choose the books.
Yesterday I had a chance to try on a dress – I believe, by a mistake I got a hospital garment meant for female patients. I must say – if not the whole society thing, I would choose to wear dresses – they are much more comfortable than two piece “uniforms”.
One of the main organs of pleasure – mouth, if you can call it an organ, is still malfunctioning, thus one of my greatest pleasures – ingestion of food is distorted, but luckily it does not cause pain, as two weeks ago.
I’ve lost almost 10 kg of weight, but it’s nonessential, because I was overweight.
I’ve started to work – somehow energy is returning and sleeping, staring at the wall and outside the window does not seem as the only exciting things to be done during daytime.

The only thought that I find worth sharing today is the fact, that it would have been enough, I believe, with 2 weeks in hospital to realize, how pleasant it is not to be hospitalized. If I get out of here, I will really cherish the fact, but I believe, that after some time I will forget that I kind of should cherish every moment that I can spend at home or out in nature. The problem of human brains� and the problem is not that I will forget, but the fact, that I can not manage to enjoy the fact of being hospitalized, of if to be more precise – I can’t really be happy here and now. Sucks.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

truth

how about truth.
do you like it?
honestly?

happened before?

the kind that somtimes hurts and itches.

damn, i hate it, somtimes.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060906 – f… stuff

this is it.

nice, huh?

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060904 – joproj�m ceturtais

Parasti
Man aiz loga aug priedes
T�das c�las un katrreiz savad�kas
�odien vien t�da za�u koku masa
nemaz ne pievilc�g� kr�sas ton�
un mazaj� spraug� starp za�o masu
un mana st�va tr�sst�v�gajiem griestiem
sl�d�ja tie-
balti pel�kie ar zelta mali��m
no s�kuma gr�ti bija saprast,
vai proj�m sl�d tie,
vai to aizmugur�j� mali�a.
Bet r�p�gam v�rot�jam
ilgs laiks nav vajadz�gs
Lai noskaidrotu, kas ir kas.
T� nu es v�roju tos baltos,
Kuri it k� cent�s
P�c iesp�jas �tr�k pasl�pties aiz za��s masas,
Iesp�jams, ka tur, kur es neredzu,
Tos kaut kas nepat�kams apdraud
Un t� l�ga nevar saprast, vai fon� tiem
Ir tas zilais, vai ar� k�ds liels un balts,
Kur� jau sen ir pie��mis pel�ko nost�ju
Tad nu �odien san�k, ka zilais un dzidrais,
Avio pasa�ieru un to, kuri dz�vo citur
Zi��.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

090902 – +16

If everything continues this way hopefully by the end of this week I will be able to eat food like common people.
If everything continues this way, hopefully after a bit more than two months I will be sleeping in my bed.
And if everything continues this way, on Tuesday I’m getting 3 electrical heaters in here, cause I’m gonna freeze to death. Has anyone got spare one I could borrow for some time?
Btw, I’m the only patient in this department at the moment.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

090902 – thirst

If I bow a bit, I can see a small part of a rainbow.
It’s a beautiful evening, sun is setting and it’s unpleasantly cold in here.
All I want is get under blanket and get warm.
Today was a relatively calm day, still almost no food – did digest some, but out of pure necessity, nothing brings me pleasure.
Sadness somehow fulfill this place and it’s hard to get rid of it.
And thoughts how and will my life change when and if I get out of this place one day. I really wish it would happen faster. I will ask doctor if I can start some physical exercises, while other issues of pain haven’t approached me. It’s a bit unpleasant when one gets tired by just washing oneself.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

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Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia