060425 – summer in a box

The last night at the hospital�at least in April. The getting out of here still is the biggest news, though thinking about the transplantation takes some part of my brain activities. There is unfortunately some theoretical discomfort involved with the transplantation procedure – as doctors were so kind to inform me, that all the chemo therapy that I have undergone was the light stuff in comparison with what will happen in the begging of June. Side effects are promised to be at least five times worse than those that I have experienced, the isolation – total, etc. So, it is not exactly as a feeling before a long and exciting trip. More like – preparation to get into a prison.
Hopefully during the coming month I will be able to change my mind to the positive side and will start to perceive the offered “summer in a box” as a great chance and opportunity.
Also, of course, I have to get clear with my fears and questions about dying and death, cause I might get pretty close to that stuff, if I’m unlucky enough. I have a book, written by osho, about pain and death, so I have even some textual reference.
The unfortunate furniture project is taking forever and I start to think that I might as well not be able to see it all nice and shiny before I will enter the house of health for the final battle.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060424 – fat of the lad

Yeah�mouth is back in action�no pain and any kind of food can be consumed. But new surprises keep making this road interesting. Today I looked at my stomach and guess what – at first I thought that I’m ill� but after an hour I think it is fat� and it is much and everywhere�. i’m really disgusting. From today – exercises 2 times a day, otherwise I won’t be able to look at my self in the mirror without disgust.
And today I was surprised that there is at least one person who thinks that I love life. Its not at all so�I consider that it would be kind of stupid and silly to die now, but from that it’s not logical to conclude that I love to live. It is a bit exaggeration. There are moments that are great and some are ecstatic, but then there is also a dark side of the moon. So it’s in harmony and I can stand it, but I would not call it love.
And I did not get to go home today, maybe if all the blood tests are fine I will get home on Wednesday. I’m so fed up with this place�and it is so uncomfortable to exercise in this tiny room, and it is kind of hard to do it with the catheter in the shoulder. So I gotta get out of here soon�
And one more good movie to watch – Vacas (1992) or in English it would be cows.
Ciao.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060421 – plain

So�what has happened. Latest action – stupid mouth. It hurts till the extent, that it’s hard to talk. And I’m so hungry and want to eat so much, but its hard to make yourself eat, if you know its going to hurt.
Yesterday and today I was collecting dust on myself. And did all the best to enjoy the great nothingness.
I will have to stay in the hospital until Monday unfortunately due to low leukocytes and problems with the mouth.
And I lost almost 1 Ls in the card game�what a shame. But should get then extremely lucky in the field of the love.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060419 � something interesting (maybe)

For the past month, apparently I was living with a bit wrong picture of the reality in my mind. The treatment that I imagined was going close to perfect was not going so well and results could have, theoretically only of course, much better. Today after a consultation with doctors it turns out that probability that I will die in the closest 200 days is about 30%. That sounds like a real kick-ass number to deal with. However, of course the number, it self does not change much, but this can be called the action that I was waiting for. Healing process after the transplantation, that is supposed to happen some time at the end of May, is been predicted to be much harder than all the easy stuff that I have been experiencing lately. Ultimate isolation, almost no guests, myriad of side effects, almost no personal belongings is all that awaits me in the same building I’m right now at, only one floor below. Can’t figure out what should I be asking doctors about, if at all.

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left it’s seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

/Simon & Garfunkel � The Sound of Silence/

And seems that I might have difficulties to enjoy all the nice apartment stuff that is being created. Now only have to find out things that I won’t have difficulties to enjoy.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060417 – nothing interesting

After a brief period of silence, I just have to write something. And however surprising it might seem, it wont be anything exciting or hilarious. So, enjoy tha stuff.
Was standing today by the mirror and got a bit scared. Scared of the thought that it might be a bit confusing and unpleasant if one day I will start to realize that I’m ill more than now. Until now, except for some minor problems, such as hair loss, weakness or erectile dysfunction I haven’t experienced any great discomfort.
And also I’m bored with the hospital. Just want to get over with it. Its not that nice here, and it stinks a bit, and the surroundings are not the most exciting and encouraging ones.
Tomorrow new bone marrow test might be taken, and then maybe some more clearness of my situation will be reported to me. And I hope I will be informed about the process of transplantation, cause right now I have no clue about what and when can and is planned and recommended to happen.
I guess due to a special surprise plan of a tomato juice producer gutta, my mouth has some strange reaction and I suffer from partial disability to enjoy full flavour of the foodstuff.
And the thinking part of my brains is trying to figure out how not to forget, that all the “small things” that make and integral part of our life are the same vital as the great looking deeds and results. Otherwise I find myself sitting in bed and waiting for something to happen and somehow feeling not very good. But I want to feel good. So�give it to me, give it to me. The good stuff, of course.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060413 – day after yesterday

Talking about nothing, I’ve got nothing much to say. Today was full of nothing. Or it could be called – a day full of small things. Whatever.
Still a feeling of waiting�waiting for a miracle, something special, something kick-ass.
And hopefully I wont be kicked tomorrow by the fact, that I can not leave this wondrous place on Saturday.
Mostly all I want is get back to my apartment, and lead a bit more exciting life than in this stinking room.
Just finished reading a book of zenbudhist’s stories.
Now I’ve got 2 books on my shelf – one is with stories for a child’s soul, another is about pain and dying, by osho. Sounds like a hard choice to make.
A visit to kaspars, my great ex-work colleague, was a pleasant trip and he’s got a really nice apartment. And I got a chance to look at my apartments new kitchen�its almost ready, I’ve got only 4 small lamps to buy. It would be so nice to move soon.
My health is not showing any surprising signs, kind of has a right direction, so I hope I get over with this illness soon. Only my appetite has disappeared somewhere� don’t like food anymore.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060411 – smell

I’m disconnected already for about 12 hours. Feels more or less the same.
And just got the midnight injection. Some medicine that should guard my kidneys.
What’s worse than a snoring neighbour. A snoring and stinking neighbour. My neighbour has a very strong smell of his own�don’t know if its because of bad breath or not washing�don’t want to get into details, yet.
And today two charming from independent republic of smil�u iela delivered a tasty lunch from their boss�a piece of meat with potato and salad. Merci, again.
And I just finished watching a nice Japanese movie “april story”. About a miracle of love.
We all need one, I guess, from time to time.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060410 – 24 hour marathon

I�m attached to this box already for more than 12 hours.
And the heart suddenly hurts. Like never before. Unpleasant.
And yes, yes�I�m back to the cosy room with a new cosy roommate. He even has a tv set�a tiny one. As I just today read, tv is called a bubblegum for mind.
They say at the end of May the renovation downstairs could be finished, and that might mean � private rooms. But I hope, I won�t have to be here anymore at the end of may. If only for the transplantation.
Today�s top adventure � the visit to the intensive therapy �department� and insertion of catheter somewhere between shoulder and neck. I did not like it at all, though it was less painful than I imagined. They really could work on the comfort�but I guess they have not finished working on the quality of the medical services, and that might be more important.
So�I even did not have signs of fainting, but it�s pretty claustrophobic, when they put a sheet on your face and you can�t see anything and it�s hard to breathe. Luckily, there was an option of opening a tunnel of light:], i.e. removing that sheet a bit.
And the promised injection at 24.00 I guess is forgotten�its 20 min to 1 and no signs, so I just decided to call a nurse myself.

The trip home was kind of strange. I looked at kristaps�s baby son, played pool till almost four in the morning and had some food, and of course slept quite a bit. Might have been a lot more productive if I would have stayed at the hospital, though maybe such non-productiveness was what I needed. Anyway, I did enjoy it.

And if your strange enough that you don�t usually watch comedies, then you might like this link:
Suicide isn’t so bad, give it a chance
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=suicide

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060407 – entering health [part 2]

Arrived and was greeted with a question – why so late.
Khmm… was packing, but still forgot some stuff.
And kind of good start.
Got lots of blood taken, almost fainted and got my chest’s bone again perforated, but this time for more action – with pain. Still hurts. And sitting and waiting for my ‘hotels’ room to be provided.
If blood tests will be good, i might get free till Sunday evening cause on Monday morning im promised an even better start – chemotherapy for 24 hours. To provide this entertainment a catheter is to be inserted in the neck. We’ll see how much fun will that be.
On Monday due to this surprise procedure, wont get to the big birthday party of my work place. No culinary excess. Kind of healthy.
And just got permission to enter my reserved room – nr. 10.

Somehow praising is to hear doctors talking that my therapy was extra long and heavy. Feels a bit better to know that it was a difficult task to manage and that I did it without very big complications and discomfort. Though also a bit scary to know that my case is heavy and difficult. I hope that my body will keep fighting at a full power.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060407 – food

just finished re-testing hospitals food.
kind of sad.
too little salt.
bread was the best.
then the soup. was edible.
the peas porridge was not for me.
The drink, also – something strange.
and due to the fact that after the sonography i will get home, not in the mood to eat that stuff. But overall as far as I remember the food here is ok.
Just that salt issue.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060403 – april. paril.

So, what? So, nothing.
On Friday gotta go back to the hospital. To kill the bad stuff.
Seems that spring will come, maybe. Though this morning it looked like the arctic climate will take over.
Would be so nice, if I could be wise.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060329 – bad stuff

Seems that finally a first hard day has come. Left arm aches more and more�veins to be more precise, even right arm also a bit, and kind of unhappy feeling. Don’t want to do anything, feel hungry and don’t see much of the bright future.
Such days were the reason of planning to see the psychotherapist, now when im seeing one, have to hope that such feelings one day will disappear.
knowing that I have to return to that hospital, does not help also .
A few hours later – a bit scared of dying. Never had such a feeling – when neck and head starts to get numb. Not talking about hands that hurt and have gone numb at the same time.
And thinking bout what keeps me hanging on – of course nothing�I don’t hang – im glued to this place and time and just try to do my best to enjoy it with the resources allocated by incidents. The thought about small moments of time with pain helps not to get too afraid of all the new feelings. recommend another adorable movie – “the legend of 1900″ – good music and the story.
Blah, blah, blah.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia