060326 – see the sea

Seems like an eternity has passed. Life seems so different now. After things that hapened, but i wont tell about and for instance a trip to the seeside and look at the horizon for the first time during last 4 months. But the sunshine is good.
Yesterday, been with my friends from lithuania at a fancly place where ginta plays bass with her band. Fancy, fancy – we of kind of did not belong there, but atmosphere was nice and maybe one day we will fit in there. Only, do we want? Who cares.
And the move – once uppon a time in america, seems to be very nice. I only have to work now, thus only � of it seen.
And less than 2 weeks till i have to get back into hospital. I guess on needs a good motivation to do that, cause it kind of a bit sucks in there in comparison with the world outside.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060322 – baigi negribas

varētu gulēt līdz rītdienai
pilna māja ar kaltu�iem vai novītu�iem ziediem. Un sieru.
Vai tas varētu liecināt par to, ka būs fondue pasākums. Ne vella.
fonā skan xavier cugat. trūkst tikai tveicīgas vasaras, kura tiks aizstāta ar manuālās apkures spēku.
baigi negribas kaut ko darīt
un apziņa, ka es veseļojos nemaz nepalīdz.
aiz loga pavasaris, bet te, ne �os ne tas.
varbūt vajag uzspēlēt zoli, bet varbūt – dabūt pa ausi, lai neieslīgstu mietpilsonībā.
bet vispār man patīk nestrādāt, jeb darīt to minimāli.
jeb varbūt aizvakardiena, kad spēlējām biljardu līdz 3 no rīta ar Gustu un vakardiena bija tik aizraujo�as, ka �odienai ir jābūt tādai nekādai. un vakarā vizīte pie prātu apskaidro�anas palīdzības speciālista, gan jau arī padarīs dienu krā�ņāku.
tagad lielākais projekts – brokastu ēdiena uzņem�ana.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060319 – every day is like sunday

Vi�i sauc tevi par dievieti, bet man tu esi sieva.
Skaisti v�rdi, grupas akvarium dziesmai.
Dom�ju par sievie�u aplido�anu. Kaut k� d�vaini, nevaru saprast, vai man t� slim�ba trauc� vai n�. Jo it k� nekas jau nav main�jies man�, bet man radies ir t�ds iespaids, ka sieviet�m pat�k, ka pied�v� vi��m dro��bu un visp�r t�du k� past�v�bu. Nu, protams, ne vis�m, bet t�d�m, kas mani valdzina. Un tagad ��iet, ka nek�du lielo past�v�bu nevaru nevienam pied�v�t, kaut gan, padom�jot, ikdien� neko vair�k ar� nevar pied�v�t, tikai �obr�d ir vair�k t� nepast�v�ba un nenoteikt�ba apzin�ma un paman�ma. Tad nu gu�u un skatos uz m�ko�iem un neko nedaru. Izr�d�s m�ko�i pazudu�i un pel�kas debesis, k� taj� skaistaj� dziesm�:
Every day is like Sunday,
Every day is silent and grey.
Slimn�c�m man noteica diagnozi – adapt�cijas trauc�jumi. Tad nu man ��iet, ka m�j�s man ar� ir adapt�cijas trauc�jumi, jo neko negribas uzs�kt. Gribas, lai “action” s�kas pats no sevis. Iesp�jams, ja pietieko�i ilgi gaid��u, tad gan jau s�ksies, man tikai aizdomas, ka neiztur��u tik ilgi gaid�t
Nu j�, es ta�u vese�ojos. Kaut k� pamanos visu laiku aizmirst par to. T� k�, jau daru lietder�gu lietu. Bet kaut k� ar to par maz.
Un atkal par�d�j�s m�ko�i un zil�s debesis.
Un piepump�ties, jeb k� to pareizi j�sauc, atspiesties, es varu varb�t vienu reizi sal�dzinot ar 40 pirms 3 m�ne�iem. Zin�ms progress ir.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060318 – p�c tam

Nu j�.
Vakar un �odien svin�ju dzim�anas faktu.
Mazliet s�p pakr�t�, bet man patika.
Gan �odien, gan vakar.
Vakar �oti sm�jos, par to , kas laikam ir skumj� fakts – tik daudz manu vienaud�u lieto vai ir lietoju�i nomierino�u l�dzekli xanax, ko iesp�jams var pieskait�t pie antidepresantu tipa z�l�m.
Un visp�r – tik daudz gl��u, iesp�jams, nekad neesmu mazg�jis.
Kaut ar� tas man n�k pr�t� k� pirmais, j�atz�st, ka ar prieku atcer��os p�d�j�s dienas v�l, iesp�jams, ilgi.
Un visp�r man veicas, jo atsl�gas, kuras vakar sniega kupen� trijat� ar didzi un kolli nesp�ju atrast, �odien k�du 2 min��u laik� atradu. Var�ju ar� mekl�t 45 min�tes.
�odien ar Inetu noskat�j�mies filmu – “united states of Leland”. Ineta gan vair�k gul�ja ar galvu pie tumbas. Bet filmu iesaku…filma par eksistenci�l�m p�rdom�m.
Un �odien es pirmo reizi m��� sev �pric�ju.
� un visp�r par anal�z�m – kad ieg�ju slimn�c� man bija 90% procenti blastu, tagad, mazliet zem 1%. Laikam jau to var saukt par progresu. Piektdien no r�ta biju aizbraucis uz asinsanal�z�m – leikoc�ti nu t� ne sevi��i lab� l�men� – t�d�� ar� j�spric� sev, un t�d�� ar� da��ji netiku pie reina �odien ciemos.
Bija baigais kick-ass pirms tam, bet beig�s izr�d�s, ka var centimetru garu adatu sev ielaist stilb� un nejust neko. Pat neatceros vai visp�r kaut mazliet man s�p�ja.
Un tie, kas bija ciemos, bet sajut�s kaut k� neuz�emti ar prieku – atvainojos, bet man tie��m liels prieks par visiem, kuri atn�ca.
Un tiem, kuri kaut k�du iemeslu d�� neierad�s – r�tdien ar� v�l ir diena, un visp�r l�dz 7. apr�lim, priec�tos uz�emt viesus. P.S. man ir kon�as v�l un ar� ar t�ju labpr�t uzcien�tu.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

ielugums/invitation

dārgie draugi un paziņas

lai atzīmētu kaut kādu tur 14 datumu, kad es reiz piedzimu
laipni aicinu jūs un jums piederīgos/pavadoņus oficiālus, neoficiālus, nepilngadīgus ciemos visus �o 5dien 17 mar ap 19.00
var ātrāk ja grib piedalīties sagatavo�anas darbos

tie kas nevar piektdien laipni aicināti uz brokastu pankūkām, zapti, kakao un visiem labumiem sestdien ap 13.00

programmā:
cerams labāka laika pavadī�ana, nekā visas citas reizes
mazāk pārpratumu un mulsuma
spēles, tiem kuri grib spēlēties
vairāk draisko�anās un draudzīgas burbuļo�anas
muzons gruzons
varētu jau arī kādu video, ja visi vienotos kopīgai dziesmai

centī�os uztaisīt kaut ko gar�īgu
par alkoholu gan kā vienmēr es neko nezinu
un jāsmēķē būs kāpņu telpā pie atvērta loga
čību arī arvien nav
�oreiz nebūs arī suns…

par dāvanām neiespringstiet, būs jau labi.
bet ja baigi gribās atnest kaut ko no veikala, uztaisīt pa�iem vai kaut kā tā,
tad man prieku sagādātu ieraudzīt:

kārtīgu nazi [chefs knife]
olu pulksteni skaistu un personību par sevi
padomu kur nopirkt skaistu ādas somu
taburetkas
baltus plakanus skaistus lielus �ķīvjus
baltas zupas bļodiņas
ar veikala adresi, kur var dabūt vēl, kad saplīst
saista �lipse
vienkār�u spilvenu ko iemest dīvānā
vienkār�as formas , piem cilindriskas, vāzi ziediem/riekstiem/akmeņiem, kad ziedu nav
sirdi ploso�as dziesmas un dzejas, dejas un bildes
kaut ko gar�īgu, kas gar�otu Jums, un iespējams vēl kādam

uz redzē�anos
rsvp 6541200 pēc 12 rītā [lūdzu]

kur: m69-11, nu turpat kur pagāju�o reizi.

p.s. ja jums liekas, ka kāds cilvēks, kuram vajadzēja saņemt �o ziņu, nav to redzējis, lūdzu informējiet vai nu viņu, vai nu mani. paldies

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060313 – almost none

sop.
as tha doctor said…iepriecino�as zi�as…analysis shos practically no eveidence of the blasts. i asked – so are there blasts or are ther none.
there are a few, but last chemo that has not got active yet, should theoretically kill the remaining.
so again, a new waiting game.
and tomorow round 12.00 im set free.
and now i feel so sleepy…gota have a nap.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060313 – almost none

sop.
as tha doctor said…iepriecino�as zi�as…analysis shos practically no eveidence of the blasts. i asked – so are there blasts or are ther none.
there are a few, but last chemo that has not got active yet, should theoretically kill the remaining.
so again, a new waiting game.
and tomorow round 12.00 im set free.
and now i feel so sleepy…gota have a nap.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

0603013 – br�vlai�ana

nu ko, r�t 14taj�, mani pal�dza atst�t m�j�g� linezera telpas.

un redz��anos maska�k�

sestdien, ja anal�zes 5dien neizr�d�sies gal�gi dimb�, esat aicin�ti uz manu dz d atz�m��anas notikumu.

vakarpus�.

m�j�s man interneta nav, t� ka izmantot tikai telefonu.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

0603013 – br�vlai�ana

nu ko, r�t 14taj�, mani pal�dza atst�t m�j�g� linezera telpas.

un redz��anos maska�k�

sestdien, ja anal�zes 5dien neizr�d�sies gal�gi dimb�, esat aicin�ti uz manu dz d atz�m��anas notikumu.

vakarpus�.

m�j�s man interneta nav, t� ka izmantot tikai telefonu.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

0603013 – br�vlai�ana

nu ko, r�t 14taj�, mani pal�dza atst�t m�j�g� linezera telpas.

un redz��anos maska�k�

sestdien, ja anal�zes 5dien neizr�d�sies gal�gi dimb�, esat aicin�ti uz manu dz d atz�m��anas notikumu.

vakarpus�.

m�j�s man interneta nav, t� ka izmantot tikai telefonu.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060311 – short

Ill will try to be short and precise. At least in the beginning.
I noticed today or yesterday [frankly I almost never can say if something did happen today or yesterday, so lets assume that it does not matter] small brown dots on my left arms fingertips. And they are reminders of how every now and then at 6:30 I get blood donated to the local laboratory to figure out plans for the coming day. And I was the one who asked for it cause otherwise it might happen later [the act of blood removal] but it would be with a needle in the vein. Brrrrr.
My 4 day conquest of fields of temperature continues 39-37-38,6-36,7-38,3-37-38,3-36,7 whats next? And who did it to me….the answer is ridiculously simple – herpes simplex. At least we [not really we, but doctors] assume so, thus I got today 2 bottles of the refreshing and sparkling zovirax and during tomorrow I will get 3 more. What a lucky day.
I talked to Madrid today and must admit, I have not laughed like that for a long time.
And no card games today because of the missing 3^rd. how pathetic.
And mom brought me chicken today…mmm quite good, though a bit more spices would do better, but the story about the chicken in our hotel la hospital we also got chicken for lunch and the size of that chicken piece was approximately 1/5 of one chicken leg my mom brought. So I got 6/5 of the daily allowance of chicken.
I havent done much lately, cause I somehow think, that this temperature business is serious and I should sleep or at least be horizontal and do nothing useful, thus things pile up, but what do I care, huh.
An morethanseventy years old lady taught me exercises for retarded people…light version of push-ups and walking while sitting, etc. havent had much chances to do them, cause kind of feels wrong to do them when you have 38 degrees.
Yesterday, group of colleagues for my ex-work us embassy paid a very nice visit. They brought lots of goodies…a juicy steak, gorgeous cakes, I shared with one of women-goddesses, natural black-currant juice, and lots more. What can be better than a full belly.
And on Wednesday I had the great experience of finally meeting my psychotherapist. She was energetic enough for me to consider being her client, we will see after next time, cause first visit we spent half of the time discussing how I will pay her hersprice[I must admit pretty high], etc, and then I told my life story in brief. Kind of not much of a use for me, but hopefully next time I will have some feeling of use.
And it annoys me that I get sleepy now. I have been doing nothing the whole day, even slept for an hour or two, but at 1 at night my eyelids have their own ways.
I did put a dvd with brokeback mountain in the player, but then thought hm…everybody says its a movie where one cries. I dont want to be watching such movies, so I chose reykavik 101, must admit the right choice, have been laughing and it gave me good feelings. Yesterday I watched the Cinderella man. Was ok.
Ok..enogh….sleepy time time time.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060309 – t

vakar temperat�ra 39
�odien 38

vakar dom�ju ka sirds neiztur�s un t� b�s mana p�d�j� diena, bet redzk� … organisms rull� un cerams, ka r�t temperat�ras vairs neb�s.

yesterday temperature 39
today 38

yesterday thought i that my heart wont manage and it will be my last day, but apparently organism rulez and hopefully there will be no declinations from the norm in the sphere of temperature.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060306 – numbness

The dull day. That’s the name of today. What did i do today? I did sleep, try to sleep, and did something in between those two activities.
Pretty pleasant feeling while your into the process. But now I feel like my head has become numb (notirpt). Strange feeling btw. My hands are partially numb already whole week, today legs begun to join in. and feels like head also wants some.
Yesterday I was out. Again. With the wonderful service of charming car owner ineta we visited �genskalns, looked at a house where we – me and sister could buy an apartment for mom. Then met the repairmen, who is making repairs at my new apartment and brought him over to inetas place, for him to look and give estimates on time and price, and then we went to look at the kitchen furniture for my new apartment. Looked really good, even not dark grey, I can’t wait to have it all ready. Afterwards had a strange drive along unknown paths till we reached spice, a shopping mall that disappointed me a bit. Though it looks interesting, reminds me of us shopping malls.
I did not go to the church, but had the most wonderful nap since I got ill. At home it feels so great to sleep, I had music on and phone was ringing but anyway I had such a nice sleep. At 18.00 guests started to appear and the show was on. Hope people enjoyed it a bit, cause it seems that occasionally I was behaving myself a bit rude and had strange and unpleasant comments. Fui. I loved to see all the friendly faces around and m�mais �ovs was a great piece of entertainment.
And it seems that through internet I’ve found a bath for my new apartment. Of course, it will need many repairs, but the size and shape is the right one, at least until I find a better one:]
Today I got many thrombocytes, tomorrow if everything is fine the last session of 4 day chemotherapy will begin. And I somehow still can’t grasp and accept that I will have to make that operation I thought that its an option, but looks like that’s the only way. So now again some decisions have to be made about when, where, for how much money. I guess, at some parts of life I do not like to make decisions. Most probably, I will flip a coin.
And today is one of the rare days when I don’t have any guests. Maybe the first time since I’m in the hospital.
And then ive got a swollen finger already for a week, and my head aches sometimes and sometimes heart region also radiates pain. Looks promising:]
This writing though quite useless, helps and I feel at least some energy to start making that ph/mysql website. Would be so nice if I could manage to do that this week.
After a day is 8th of march festival�lucky those who will have possibilities to go out and buy beautiful flowers for the beautiful ladies.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

sv�tdien l�dzu ciemos

ar grozi�iem – tas ir ar kautko gar��gu
pag�ju�o reizi bija for�i tais�t �st, bet p�r�k daudz laika san�ca ziedot pannai, p�r�k maz cilv�kiem virtuvi un traukus dr�kst lietot.
ap 17.00
ap 12 v�l sazvanamies rsvp 6541200
notiek m69-11
var�tu m��in�t paskat�ties k�du filmu
5 marts ir t� diena

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060301 – lazy lazy, pain pain

Yesterday was so strange. Ive had a few such days during last 2 years in my life maybe they were the syndromes of my illness� I would call them lazy calm days. The days, when one does not want to do anything and enjoys the fact that despite of million useful and important things that are due, one can simply do nothing and enjoy the moral superiority over one-self�s predefined course of life. Then only thing that was not fun, yesterday was that my bones again did ache in the left leg�and that annoys – the pain. And I just took a pill against pain, cause at night I did not feel the pain and in sleep everything was nice, but now again and I don�t want to spend whole day with pain in the background.

After 5 days will be 2 month since im hospitalized.

Another side effect that starts to appear is numbness in fingers. Kind of weird, but I still can type, so its not a big problem.

And seems that im not getting a fridge in the room�its good for me to do at least some walking over the corridor. And my stomach is becoming ugly, will start doing some exercises � to get it back into shape and size�.ive gained 2 kg weight after loosing 4 some 3 kg 4 weeks ago. Now im up to 88 kg.
And I watched a movie Jacket. Would recommend as a side dish for those who like thrillers.
Broken flowers � only as a side dish, and also if the food is spicy, cause the movie itself is kinda nothing. Lost in translation was much better.
And now im watching chinaman. Good hearted side dish with breakfast.

And turns out that thee bone marrow analysis will be made not after 3 days but more probable after 7 so mooooooooore of waiting. Don�t like waiting, not this kind, but I guess im over it.
And maybe we will manage to buy a small par t of a wooden house in pardagava, where mamyte will live. Hopefully we will.
And I have to remember to insure my apartment, cause the insurance run out at the end of February � time flies.

And the greatest news are that I think I got the right shade of dark grey oil for covering furniture, so on Monday morning I hope I will arrange someone to buy it and deliver to the masters, and I could get tables and bed ready for my birthday. And also I would love a small miracle to happen and somehow find a bath, and celebrate my b-day at ludzas.
And today I dreamt or envisioned that im, my illness, my mother, light, darkness, and all the rest is in me�and im a self content egg shaped structure.
I want to get well soon and go home. And then I felt kind of lonely last nigh, but did not want to talk to anyone. I guess that was that healthy need for oneness.
Ad luckily my best neighbour is back � he does not sleep in the hospital, and during day he is a very pleasant person, so it feels that I almost have a single room, what makes me feel happy.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060301 – strange vision

Strange vision i had today. A lady I have never seen before came into my room and asked if she could talk to me for a while. I said, sure. Lady was short, round well fit, round age of 55, red hair, dressed in pants and sweater. I told her to check, if she needs a mask. She said that she will come back in five minutes. Never came back. But while I was daydreaming during my nap, I “saw’” her and one more woman entering my room, they both stood by my bed and the first lady conveyed her thoughts that she has this other lady to deal with and that she wishes me good luck. That’s that.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia

060301 – not sex, really, but…

This Kate Moss thing. I got a very lovely Kate Moss card
as a present at men�s day�23.feb was army day in ussr.. thus its kind of kitschy to celebrate it as men�s day among the few strange Latvians even nowadays. the card of course is lovelly, its ivanovs painging with naked moss in profile with lovely body and showing of her nipples and looking at me. So the first night I had stuck up that card in front of my bed, I wake up in the morning and see that I don�t have underwear on me� what a sign, huh. And to sum up� I miss sex� and I want to fall in love and find a girl of my life. So�
And one more I guess private, but anyway connected with illness�from time to time I wake up with erection, so chemo therapy hasn�t killed thaman in me. Don�t know about the fertility, but at least ejaculation works. I tested this morning 4.00, to be on the safe side. I hope I did not do harm to my self or the healing process, cause I kind of did not coordinate this with my doctor. that�s the men’s & Moss’s story.

Filed under: Bez kategorijas , leikēmija / leukemia